I wish life had little blips of pornography
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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