omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
