why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
