last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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