Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
