I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize