please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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