If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
