Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
