How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize