there's paper in my vomit.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
