So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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