Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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