you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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