So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
