im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
