Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
