Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
