I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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