i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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