The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
