i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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