how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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