Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
