I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize