tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
