Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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