The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
