Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
