I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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