literally had 100 drinks last night.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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