You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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