thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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