she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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