there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
