you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
