Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
