we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
