if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
