I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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