Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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