You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
