I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
