This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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