Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
