New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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