I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
