we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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