Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
