I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
