I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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