Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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