I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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