This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
