All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize