i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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