we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize