She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
