He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
