so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
