I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
