Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
