I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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