my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
