I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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