Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
