She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
