Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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